You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Randomize