theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
