I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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