Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
