What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
He is an equal opportunity slut.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
