quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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