Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
We were destined to go to rehab together
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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