i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Tell her she can't have a vagina
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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