he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
