I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
