Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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