I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
