Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
