apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
