you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Randomize