Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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