You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
