Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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