Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
