dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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