I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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