i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
