Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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