Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
