I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
