what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
