Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
