I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
