this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
