I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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