I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
