The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
