wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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