Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
