i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
