You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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