my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
