You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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