I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
