can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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