you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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