you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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