hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
