So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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