My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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