i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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