so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
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