I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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