I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
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