so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Never joke about your clitoris.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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