I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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