I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
