now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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