I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I woke up under a house in Key West
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
