I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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