i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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