My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
