a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
