I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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